Alvin......The Son I Never Had!!!!!!!

Hello peeps,

How are you all doing? it has indeed been a very long time.......hmmmm I missed this space terribly and the fact that I have not been able to write down anything for so long, but I am glad I am back and better.

I recently went through something that no one should experience and I truly have to share my experience because it can help someone somewhere.

I had my first child with a Cesarean section and was advised to wait for 2 years before getting pregnant again to heal properly. I got pregnant again in 2013 and was due to have my baby early March 2014. I was done with my hand-over at work and I was prepared for the maternity leave; as in everything was set and we were ready and waiting for the date to come.

One morning in late January of 2014 (I was 32 weeks gone), after my morning meeting I just realized i had not felt my baby move all through the morning so I called my husband to pick me up and we went to the hospital, saw my gyne and she did a scan............immediately after the scan she didnt say a word to me other than they have to cut me open immediately.....I was praying and hoping for the best, at this time i was so alone because my husband had left to pick up my first child from school and I had to sign all the documents myself. I could not even call my mum or sisters because of the rush, my phone was taken from me and I was given anesthesia. By the time I woke up I was in sooooo much pains and crying out for my baby......I was in pains all through the night.

The next morning when my husband came in, I asked for my baby and he said he's in the incubator. I insisted that I have to see him, they kept on telling me I need to heal first before I can move around, I asked them to bring a wheel chair and take me to the nursery, they ignored me and the nurses basically avoided my room.

Deep down I knew something had happened but I was not ready to accept it. When my mum came to see me, just looking into her eyes I knew.........but she told me she had seen the baby and that he was doing very well. I agreed because I wanted a justification for for my hope. On the third day when I could not stand the suspense anymore and started shouting that they must take me to see my child........that was when the doctor and my husband told me that the baby came out macerated...........Oh how I wept that night, my husband and first child slept with me in the hospital.......sleep was far from me because how do you explain what happened, I had a very healthy pregnancy with no health challenges or complications, I was eating right and using my medication, I have never missed a doctors appointment, as in I did everything by the book......

I left the hospital and came home, I went into the room we had set up for the baby and wept, I felt cheated because we didn't have so much when we had our first child but God has been very good to us in the past years......so we spent so much money getting the room done and ordering stuff from every where, it was pure torture and it took me 3 months before I had the courage to pack up everything.

For days I will sit in the dark and weep, I didn't take calls because I didn't want sympathy from people, for weeks i could not go out because of how I felt people will react towards me.......after staying home for 3 weeks i became bored because my husband had resumed work the previous week, I decided it was time to stop feeling sorry for myself and move on.....There was a lady that visited me, apparently she had the same experience with her first pregnancy, she talked the devil out of me and when she left I stood up to look at myself in the mirror for the first time in weeks......I was in a terrible state, my hair, face, nails; everything was out of place and that was when I snapped out of my misery because I was allowing myself wallow in self pity and there was nothing I could have done to change what had happened.

I took charge of my life and started going out again......a lot of people pretended not to notice that I was no longer pregnant and was not carrying any baby.......then I went back to work, some clients will come around and say "Oh you have had your baby, What did you have and you have resumed work so soon...... Congratulations......the first week at work was pure torture because I was just smiling through the pain all the questions caused me....I would go into the rest room occasionally to shed a few tears.......

Now I am in a happy place and I am getting over it gradually, even though the doctor says I have to wait another year before getting pregnant again, and a lot of others are concerned because I am not a spring chicken anymore (I am in my late 30s) I am not bothered because I believe the report of the Lord. As long as He is and will continue to be on the throne, I will have greater testimonies.

Once in a while when I see a baby.....I tend to remember and say Alvin should be this or that by now (yeah we named him Alvin). I have come to accept the fact that you will never forget no matter how long because a lot of women had shared their experiences with me; even after 10.....20 years you always still remember.....

We gain knowledge from our loss, time really does heal all wounds. I am thankful for all the positive people in my life, I look at my life and I thank God because I am indeed truly blessed, my circumstances or situations does not define who I am or what I am because I know where I am coming from and I have experienced so much grace.

You are welcome to share your experience with me and let us walk on this journey together.

Men of Courage

Hello beautiful people of the federal republic, how has it been with you guys?

Welcome to a new month and yes we have entered the …….ember months…..wow the year just started yesterday and here we are in September already…phew…..the Lord that has led us this far will continue to keep us…….

For the longest time I have wanted to write something about the Father figures in our lives and the opportunity is finally here. Who is a father? What is expected of him? What are his obligations to the entire household? It is quite alarming that not every man that has birthed a child earns the right to be called a father…….uhummm that’s very true.

The English dictionary defines a father as a male who sires and often raises a child, a male donator of sperm which resulted in conception or fertilization. If you ask me I think there’s more to been a father than just been a sperm donor especially in these days where we have a lot of sperm banks….yeah you can actually get babies off the shelf.

For you to earn the right to be called a father, you have to be available to act as one by supporting and nurturing the child that you have sired. Most often than none you really don’t have to be the sperm donor to act in that capacity. Some men are truly called to be fathers and to raise a generation of God fearing children.

I read somewhere a while back that a father is a boy’s first hero and a daughter’s first love……..thinking about it now it’s actually very true because I have seen a few little girls that wants to marry their daddies and little boys that think their dad can handle everything……….look for their trouble and they tell you with all boldness that their dad (hero) will come for you…..and you better run.

As a man what are you doing to shape/impact the lives of your kids or the kids around you? What impact do your character, attitude, behavior and general outlook on life have on these kids? Do you have or make time for them? Do you know your kids or do they know you? On a scale of 1 – 10 how can you rate your value to your kids?

I understand you have to work very hard to put food on the table, pay the rent and bills, generally cater for the family and you are truly doing a good job of it but nothing can fill the void that is left in the life of your child…….24 hours is never enough but my dear you must make time to truly be a father…..don’t leave it all to the mother, there is a part that you need to play and no one can do it better than you.

You as a man really need to be careful of how you act and what you say in the presence of your kids, as they assimilate and digest your actions and see it as the norm….so if you are a man that fear God and live according to His will, your kids too will tow that path. I have a live example in my home, my 18 months old son knows now that you must kneel down before you pray simply because from when he turned 12 months daddy always tells him to kneel down whenever we want to pray, he knows where the family alter is and anytime you say let’s pray he runs to his own corner and starts screaming in his unclear syllables kneel down and Amen.

I recently saw a movie “Courageous” in the movie this group of men come together to take an oath, make vows/pledges and signed documents on how to be the father that their children need, I was so moved by this movie and how these men took it upon themselves to stand up for their families and always do the right thing no matter what, eventually one of the men fell along the way due to the fact that it is not easy to be a real man with a clean slate in the times we live in . It takes a man of integrity to stay steadfast in the face of adversity……………….but thank God for the other guys that stayed focused and true to the course.

Another thing is you cannot tell a child to do A and you are seen doing B openly, it will never work as they must always do what they see you doing. So if you are aggressive in the wrong ways or abusive either verbally or physically, they see it as normal and tend to do the same. In this case there must be consistency with our words and actions.

What kind of words do you speak to your kids? Are they words that will make or mar them? What kind of seeds are you sowing in them? Are they seeds that will yield good fruits or set them in the path of destruction?

How many men will stand up with their shoulders held up high and vouch that they have never at any time in their lives compromised their beliefs just to make ends meet? Sadly the campaign for a life of Integrity has been swept under the carpet; people look at you strangely when you insist on doing things in the right and appropriate way. They call you all sorts of names because you have principles that you abide by. Your kids are watching and learning from you, they know far more than you give them credit for especially in this day of technology……….you have to be the strong voice that your child hears. 

Most fathers of today didn’t have very good examples or role models while growing up, but that should not be a limiting factor cos there are a lot of opportunities available to you to make it right now. You can choose a mentor from the great examples that exist now.

It’s never too late to make 360 degrees turn as long as you are turning away from the negative, you can still make it work with your kids, all it takes is a step, make that commitment today and have someone checkmate you constantly to keep you on the path.

The seed you sow in the kids today will be the defining center for their future and generation, so wisdom is essential while dealing with them.

I have to stop here for today; you are welcome to leave your comments and contributions.

Cheers and stay fabulous……

Face in the Mirror......

Hey peeps,

Howz the week going so far? I'm sure you are all giving it your best shot and been productive as well. This morning I feel like talking or ministering to just one person and I pray it is you......take your time to read and digest this words as I feel so strongly about it.

 We all get to look at the mirror at least three times in a day every day of our lives, even when we are ill. Each time we look in the mirror we see the same facial features differently, we have different opinions about what we see and what we want to see. I want you to ask yourself, what do you see when you stand in front of the mirror every morning after getting ready for school, work or business? Better still you can just look for a mirror right now and stand in front of it, look real hard into the mirror without breaking your concentration, now what do you see? For me I can see a beautifully and well made up face, a beautiful body (the result of a healthy diet and exercise) beautiful clothes and accessories to match, I’m sure you can feel me now? Cos I know you can see the same things that I see.

           That is where we have a problem, we only look at the exterior and we tend to pass judgments based on the outward appearance of things. Have you forgotten that all that glitters is truly not gold? Have you ever tried to look at someone or something beyond the exterior (outward appearance), by looking inward to truly see through the exterior and really appreciate who that person really is?

I need you to look at the mirror again and this time look beyond the well made up face and try if you can to look into yourself not at yourself, I want you to truthfully see who you are and who/what you have become over the years. What do you see? I’m sure a lot of us are confused cos truly we cant see anything apart from what is outside, we seem to have lost our true identity(Identity Crisis, I also wrote an article on it), we don’t know who we are any longer, we now live our lives based on the scripts that has been written out by the society we live in, we do, talk, eat and act the way society expects us to, torturing ourselves greatly just so we can be accepted by other people, denying the pain and struggles of the abuse we have lived through or currently living with.

          You find yourself in a position where you continually lie to yourself, you are broken, battered and rotten on the inside but no one can share in your pain or minister to you because you have not allowed anyone to see beyond the surface of your exterior, you have covered it up perfectly with good speech, attitude, clothes and make up, you even have such a great figure (not as a result of dieting but as a result of the inner battles you fight within yourself everyday). Everyone seems to think that you’ve got it all together and they all want to be like you, but no one knows how often you cry yourself to sleep cos deep within you, you know you are not who people think you are, you don’t even know who you are any longer, you have stopped living life, you simply just exist and flow with the trend.

         If you see what I have described in the mirror before you, I need you to answer this question: for how long will you keep acting like you’ve got it all together? Knowing for a fact that you will lose it if you don’t stop now, cos very soon all the cloths and make up in the world may not be able to glue you together any longer, you have reached a breaking point where you truly need to cry out, bare yourself so people can see all the scars that is yet to heal but you have covered them up so nicely, but they are still very fresh in your memory, you go to bed every night with them and you wake up with them, re-living every single moment you got each of those scars, you even remember what day of the week it was, what hour, minute and second it all happened, the scars of how you were abused as a child by a loved one, scars from your parents early divorce, scars from losing a loved one so early in life, scars from growing up feeling rejected and unwanted due to the terrible blows life dealt you, scars from failed relationships and insecurities, and all the while you had no idea that a small still voice has been calling to you to let go of your fears, burdens and worries, and allow Him heal and mend you completely.

          No wonder you are so good at your job, you have attained such great height at such a short period in your career cos you vowed that you’ll do what ever it takes never to be vulnerable again because you have a point to prove to the world, and to cover up all the scars that no one will see them and make fun of you, you decided to take care of you at all cost, that’s why you always adorn your exterior to give the impression that all is rosy and dandy but you forgot something very important, which is the fact that you are alive today and have not lost your mind despite the enormous weight you bear, this is a sure sign that the owner of the small still voice has been with you through it all, yes He was there when all the negative things happened, He heard your cry of anguish and pain, He called out to you then and has been very close since then trying to get your attention but you were too preoccupied wallowing in self pity to realize that its not you that have held you together all these years, it’s a greater force beyond your wildest imagination.

            The truth about the owner of the still small voice is that no matter how long we remain deaf to His call, he never gives up on us cos He is not a man. When you finally heed the call, you will come to know that you have a shoulder to cry on and a place to lay down the entire burden you’ve been carrying about and just rest, cos come to think of it no one expects you to be a super hero when you already have one in your life. Accept His help and let go, stop struggling to build an IMAGE for yourself, allow Him to mould you and make you what He wants you to be as He knows better than you do what is best for you.

           Let go and trust Him, He is a friend that sticks closer than a brother, when men and society rejects you; He picks you up and cleans the dust from you. It’s time to look in the mirror again but this time you have to see what He sees when He looks at you, look hard and see why He calls you the apple of His eyes, it is because of you that He never sleeps nor slumbers and He’s got your back always; just let go and trust Him.

How Can You Tell?

Hey Peeps,

Hwz it going? It's been quite a while.......yeah I know.....phew.....been too busy with my paid job as my workload recently increased.......so I'm just catching my breath......what has been happening with you guys?

My topic for today is actually a weird one but very important, as we truly and really need to know.....It's also not an easy topic to discuss as there are lots of opinions regarding it; hence the need foor you to draw your own conclusions from my thoughts, or you may have another angle to it....

Sometimes the thought still comes to me if I really and truly know the man I married, hold on……hehehehe ……..wait for it..……. I have often times heard people say they made the wrong choice and they want out. How do you really know if you made the right choice when you are so in love with the person while dating? After I read the story on the link below, it got me thinking in so many directions.

http://ladunliadi.blogspot.com/2013/06/ex-police-officer-attacks-wife-with.html#more

How and what causes a very good and healthy relationship to go bad? Is it a sudden 360 degrees change or has there been a gradual process leading to the change? How do you know the angel you are married to today won’t eventually become a monster in years to come? What causes these changes in people?

No answer came to mind as I pondered on these questions, I have also encountered a few people that say it is difficult making the right choice of a partner as you can never know the human mind completely; it’s now a game of chance and allowing the grace of God to guide you. 

I am of the opinion that your relationship can either make or mar you, hence the question arises; what do we feed into our relationships? Are we sowing the right thoughts, ideas and influences? What are the minor things that we take for granted that eventually turns out to be major for the other party we are involved with?

I have always had the notion that marriage is not for the weak and fickle minded people. You must have a thick skin to stay married……remember it’s about two very different individuals that have come together in the name of love, they live together, see and tolerate each person’s uniqueness and weakness, learn each person’s behavioral tendencies and make a conscious effort to live happily with it at all cost, having the ability to make something out of nothing by building a great life from nothing with a perfect stranger. If you have this understanding then and only then should you think of getting married……….if not you will wake up one day with the idea of killing the stranger on your bed. 

Marriage takes commitment, trust, listening ability (because you need to truly listen for the other party to rant and rave and have that satisfaction of been heard). It takes the same energy to fall in and out of love…….when you do fall in love, how do you stay in love? Trust me what works for couple A may not work for couple B; my advice is find your own formula and stick to it at all cost. 

However I would appreciate feedback or more insight into this matter......feel free to leave your comments.

Thanks and enjoy your day.

Must Know Before "I Do"

Hey peeps,

Its a lazy Friday.......sequel to yesterday's post, i just bumped into this article and felt like sharing.....it will really help.

http://www.romancemeetslife.com/2012/10/7-things-to-work-on-before-you-say-yes.html

Enjoy your weekend guys.

What makes a Marriage?

Hey peeps,

Howz it going? It’s been a while…….and I have missed this space so much. I was out of town for two whole weeks by myself …..yeah… I took a long and well deserved break from everything…….it was a tough decision leaving hubby in charge of our 14month old son…hehehehe…..but they did alright and missed me like crazy.

During my vacation, I did a lot of soul searching…..why do we labor so much? It’s just to provide us with three basic needs which are Food, Shelter and Cloths….. these needs don’t come cheap that’s why it looks like we work too hard for too little…….then most people live above their income based on what they spend on these three needs, a colleague of mine has a belief that he should not pay more than his monthly salary for one year rent and it’s working for him…….hence the need for us all to apply wisdom in whatever we do.

For us to live a relatively good life in Nigeria costs a lot of money, gone are the days where one parent (the wife sits at home to raise the kids) while the other takes on a full time job to meet the needs of the family, in the times we live in; both parents have to pull their resources together to be able to make ends meet, each person has his/her own responsibility mapped out for them as that is the only way all the needs will be met without frustrations.

Don’t get me wrong; a lot of people can still afford to have just one parent doing all the labor, but for the average Nigerian which is over 85% of Nigerians, both parties have the responsibility to contribute to the wellbeing of the family.

It’s beginning to really dawn on me that Marriage is not all about loving each other, having loads of fun, sex and kids…….there’s much more than we think. That is why I am sooooo thankful that we had the pre-marital classes where all these things were taught. Then we didn’t really see the need why the Pastor was teaching us about the following:

·         Balancing our finances.

·         Making a 5 to 10 years goal/plan and stating how we will attain them.

·         How many kids do we want to have as against how many we can afford.

·         Vacation plans: this must be done in advance.

·         Joint account for major projects like home ownership.

·         Who should be responsible for what and why….

·         And so much more.

Indeed we were too in love to have thought out all those by ourselves and this is why I strongly recommend pre-marital counseling before you walk into that marriage, if not you are going to run out in a hurry, marriage takes maturity and this does not necessarily come with age, you may be 40 years and be very immature in your actions.

A lot of challenges comes when two now becomes one, there are so much decisions to be taken as one and no longer as two because the bible says “and two shall become one” it’s not about you anymore, you owe someone else an explanation and you must both be accountable to one another, agree on everything before it Is executed, communicate constantly, communication is the key to every successful union; in fact you can never over emphasize the usefulness and importance of communication.

During our pre-marital class and discovery of all that marriage comprises of, there were lots of arguments and adjustments cos we both as individuals had a vision/goal/plan of what we wanted out of marriage but had no idea how each person’s understanding and interpretation of their goals impacts on the relationship……..so it was a learning process for us and our counselor was very patient and gentle with us, as he helped us come to a complete conclusion that we were happy with…..he confided in us that a lot of couples did not make it pass that stage of counseling as they were not ready to become one entity together by letting go or partnering in the same goal for the purpose of building a family; each person was still holding onto their individuality.

Marriage is beautiful, it is peaceful, it is wonderful and much more……but it takes a lot of work, patience, communication, trust, confidence and self esteem. You cannot have a good marriage if you don’t understand who you are and what your purpose here is; that is where confidence and self esteem comes into play.

Phew, enough for one day, we will continue this topic.......please feel free to add your comments.